Khristmas at Kmart

 

Given the shocking, some might even say deflating (lol), events of this past November, most of you likely assume that our family won’t be celebrating the holiday in our usual extravagant, over-the-top manner this year. Well, you would be wrong. Dead wrong. (Just like the vote counts in Florida, and Ohio for starters; and let me just say that I am SO over Massachusetts.) 

No, with the foreign infidels again ensconced in the White House, free to pursue their godless, heathen agenda of destroying all that is sacred and holy about the season, it’s more important than ever that we stand up for the family values that make Khristmas, (may as well get ahead of the naming curve before the inevitable laws are passed), the annual big-spending free-for-all that keeps the economy of our country strong, and provide those who might otherwise have so little an endless trove of useless gadgets, joke pajamas, novelty underwear and seasonal trinkets to fill the empty spaces on their selves and, need I say, in their emotional lives, all year long. (And which, I might add, can be re-gifted indefinitely.)

I’m sure you’ve all heard that I locked myself in my room and cried for days after the so-called election and was so immobilized on Thanksgiving that the family was reduced to take out turkey for the traditional feast. Well, hello! Imagine months of being paraded around the country like a show horse, hounded to exhaustion by liberal television hacks, and actually having to allow yourself to be touched by the common hordes. Then, after it all goes to h-double-hockey-sticks, you realize that you are nevertheless going to be expected to prepare a five course dinner with all the trimmings for a family of 30 plus, (and God knows how many stragglers and hangers on). You’d probably lock yourself into the bedroom suite of your second or third home, have yourself a hissy fit, and down a couple of bottles of Xanax too. Besides, it was free. (Thank you Boston Market. You rock!)

As usual, the left leaning media got it all wrong.

Remember that story about my shopping at Costco? Well, those of you who really know me know I’m the kind of snob who wouldn’t be caught dead in a discount store. That was another one of Karl’s lame-brained schemes. “It worked for Diana," you know, the ‘People’s Princess,' and all that. Well turns out the only people who ‘believed’ it were a few fair weather faux friends who spread the rumor so far and wide that it was hard to hold my head up at dressage practice for weeks afterwards.

Likewise, although there’s a Kmart just a few blocks from our Los Angeles home, tucked away in a pathetic little strip mall behind the Prada Superstore called Towne Plaza Shopping Centro, (or, as we like to call it,"Beverly Hills for Housekeepers); I make it a point of pride that I don’t go there either.

So, you can imagine his surprise when I called my driver one day last week, asked him to bring one of the Caddies down, and told him we were going to Kmart! Once he picked himself up off the elevator floor, (I think my disguise - at right - had him going for a moment), I begged his indulgence in my last ditch effort to find gift paper with horses on it, (If you have to ask “why horses” you haven’t been paying attention), the help having totally failed to locate and procure the de rigueur seasonal wrap this year. 

Once there, however, it occurred to me that there’s no time like the present to start saving money, especially given the upcoming Great Obama Recession. Then, when I saw that Mrs. Santa herself shopped there, (she was in disguise too, but the hat was a dead giveaway), I pulled out the debit card and my Khristmas list and began checking it twice.

For the fabulous Koch brothers: "Who's Your Santa?" Yes, you are, and we know it! Thanks billions, guys!

I'm also thinking pajamas for our dear friends Dick Cheney, (a cute smiley face camo print) and Grover Norquist (money, honey);

and for our own eye on the spies, General George Petraeus, who, unfortunately, Santa was indeed watching.

For his sporty little Paula, a sporty little sports bra (wink, wink); and as for you, Holly, well, it's time to up you game, girlfriend!

Now that's what I call magic underwear!! There's even a little number that you might say has my name on it! (Can't imagine how they found out he likes for me to tie an arm behind my back and pretend I'm an amputee, but my bet's on that sassy little daughter of Cain, Robin Roberts.)

Since we're getting this close to home, I should mention that we always give each of the boys a special ornament for their Khristmas trees. This year, with two amazing Elvis keepsakes to choose between, Jailhouse Rock Elvis or GI Blues Elvis, I was stumped at first. Then it dawned on me that athough none of my men ever has or ever will serve in the military, there still exists a possibility, albeit miniscule, that one or more of them might yet end up in jail! (Shhhhh, don't anybody say "Bain Capitol.")

Speaking of ornaments, here's a whole box for you, Karl Rove, and, yes, some of them are broken, like all the promises you made to yours truly, (not to mention to entire Republican party); and a shop worn Mickey Mouse with a fake smile and a missing (can we say "deaf") ear. Remind you of anyone?

What's wrong with THIS picture?  (It does say WHITE House, doesn't it?) Guess which WHITE House" Barbie my granddaughters will find in their stockings this year?

Did I say stockings? Well, here's a big one for you Chris Christy (though you probably still couldn't get your fat foot into it even if you did take it out of your mouth for long enough), and a pair of "Vote for Joe" pajama bottoms, which should be self-explanatory.

We know who our real friends, the real Americans, are. And for you, the Tea Party faithful, we will be flooding evangelical churches, tractor pulls, wrestling smackdowns, monster truck events, NASCAR racetracks, Neo-Nazi rallies, Senior Citizens Centers, and gun clubs everywhere with thousands of copies of a double feature dvd selected especially for you. To get your free gift dvd, just tell them you're a friend of Ann.

And God bless our gun clubs, and the NRA. Wayne LaPierre, we've got your back, and a nifty little Wii gun grip for a fast, fun fix when nothing but a trigger will do.

John Boehner, you sexy beast, this dog's for you! Maybe I should pick one up for Rick Perry too ; )

For our steadfast side-kick Paul Ryan, his dreams ("Really Ripped Abs") in a bottle...

and, of course we can't forget the ladies! (It's just that the men always eat first, you know). Michele Bachmann, so sorry you came up a little short this year, (well really every year since you're only 5'2"), but, never-the-less, you'll always be a star in our book. (The bra is for Marcel.)

Condi, I saw this adorable Khristmas t-shirt, and, begging the obvious, thought of you. (Just a little better next year, lol.) Also found a perfect holiday t-shirt for Jan B. out in AZ, and for Nicky Haley, something about snow, because it's the only one I had left.

There are many others who dedicated themselves to our mission, (you know who you are), but wish to remain unnamed for various reasons including, but not exclusive of, financial improprieties, conflicts of interest, voter suppression, race baiting, hate-mongering, tax evasion, bigamy and non-payment of child support. Each of you very special people will find a very special package from your grateful GOP family under your tree on Khristmas morning.  (And no, that most certainly is not Albert Brooks. )

Make no mistake people, you had a choice, and one that would appear quite clear; Chia human or Chia black cat. How you people got it wrong is totally beyond me, 100% of America's billionaires, and most of the 'real Americans,' that is to say all those stubbornly determined to vote against their own best interests. The rest of you can rot in h-double-hockey-sticks.

But are we bitter?  Of course not, and in the spirit of bipartisanship, both Hillary and Bill will receive of our largess this holiday, (and I think you'll know which pair was meant for who).

As for the usurpers residing on Pennsylvania Ave.,  I have selected thoughtful and appropriate tokens of our esteem and respect for each of them personally. Barack Hussein, you've got to love Bodman's 'Black,' a fragrance created for men just like you. (Paul R. likes it too ; ))

Michelle, a little monkey told me you were redecorating the Lincoln bathroom!

I realize that Malia is quite the young lady now, but, trust me, a girl's never too old for a talking sock monkey!  And these adorable pink pajamas have Sasha all over them!

Well, gosh darn it, looks like it's going to be 'My Little Pony' wrapping paper again this year. (Whatever happened to tradition?!!)

Toss a few dozen boxes of Little Debbie Tree Cakes into the shopping cart to give to the help, (not that they really deserve anything, but never let it be said our family isn't generous to a fault), and I'm done!

From Us to You, (and we all know who we are),

Merry Khristmas, everybody!


P.S. Can any of you people tell me what this 'layaway' means?