Squash Casserole Con Doritos

"I’d take her to the border
And teach her to order
Margaritas and fajitas
Senoritas would bring"
If I Could teach my Chihuahua to Sing – Joe Ely

So far it’s been a giddy week for me. I am, of course, elated at the resignation of Alberto “Fredo” Gonzales, (he didn’t say who he wanted to spend more time with, did he?), erstwhile Attorney General and perennial scum sucking toad. (Don’t ask me how I really feel).

And honestly, didn’t you ever wonder why Dubya chose to nickname him after Don Vito Corleone’s hopelessly inept middle son, the one who was dispatched to sleep with the fishes in Lake Tahoe by little brother Al Pacino in “The Godfather, Part II?” Not that there aren’t some similarities. Godfather Fredo was likewise a dim witted habitual liar. He was dominated by women and quite possibly a closeted homosexual too, and by the way, he also ran a brothel. (I’m just saying.)

One of my favorite writers, Nora Ephron, suggests in explanation that when Bush 43 first met Gonzales, he probably thought his first name was Alfredo, and Alberto was just too much of a toady to ever tell him otherwise. I feel comfortable with that.

But I’m not one to hold a grudge. In fact, I’d like to invite Fredo to have lunch with me, when he’s next in California, at a real-deal Mexican restaurant I just learned about, Lilly’s Taqueria in Santa Barbara. No namby-pamby Tex-Mex joint, their little known specialty is Taco de Ojo al Vapor, steamed eyeball tacos, (I hear they taste sort of like egg yolks), and what better dish to enjoy with somebody who wanted all eyes on all Americans all the time. And hey, Turd Blossom and Senator “I’m not gay. I’ve never been gay” Craig from Idaho can join us too.

Really, just how much better could it get? (Of course, there is the “i” word, impeachment, but I don’t want to get greedy or seem ungrateful.) Well, I’ll tell you. When I checked in with my blog and found that two people had read it and made comments (thanks Vashi and mslindac), it was like Christmas, my birthday and chicken mole all rolled into one.

I’m feeling so downright euphoric I want a party, a fiesta, margaritas, mojitos, Dos Equis with thin little slices of lime and tequila sunrises. Hang a piñata, fill it with my civil liberties and pass me a baseball bat. I’m there.

I wish I could share a recipe for guacamole or frijoles or something appropriate, but I don’t do Mexican. And Lilly’s Taqueria won’t give out their recipe for eyeball tacos except to say they steam the entire cow head, remove the eyes, and then sauté them on the grill with a “special” mélange of chilies and spices.

So instead, I’ve been inspired to add a south-of-the-border twist to one of my family’s treasured staples. I call it Squash Casserole con Doritos. It’s an instant classic and will be as at home on the plate next to your burrito as refried beans. This one’s for you, mslindac.


Squash Casserole con Doritos

2 pounds yellow crookneck squash, sliced
1/2 cup chopped onion
4 tablespoons butter or margarine (1/2 stick)
1/2 cup milk
1 egg
1 cup grated cheddar cheese (preferably sharp)
1/2 teaspoon sugar
Salt and pepper to taste
1 cup crushed original Doritos (or other plain tortilla chip)

Saute squash and onion in non-stick skillet in 2 tablespoons of the butter, covered, stirring occasionally, about 10 minutes or until tender. (Alternately you can steam them for about 8 minutes and add all the butter in the next step.)

Mash squash mixture and mix with milk, egg, 1/2 cup of the cheese, salt, pepper and sugar. Pour into a buttered 2-quart casserole dish.

Melt remaining 2 tablespoons butter and toss with crushed taco chips and remaining 1/2 cup cheese. Sprinkle on top of casserole.

Bake at 350 F for 30 minutes or until topping is nicely browned. Eat and enjoy.

Note: My family topped the casserole with crushed saltines or Ritz Crackers. Good, but they're not Doritos.

If it's Red Beans and Rice, this must be Monday

“Give me a sista, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her”
Baby Got Back – Sir Mix-A-Lot

It’s Monday. It’s also probably the hottest day of the summer so far. Not a day I would choose to spend in the kitchen laboring over a pot of hot steaming beans, although that’s exactly what I’m doing.

They’re having a ‘bye-bye you took another job that pays better and we hate you, rather, we hate to see you go’ potluck luncheon at the hubby’s office today. And my dear, sweet, clueless as to how much trouble it’s going to be, partner, volunteered to bring Red Beans and Rice. (Being from New Orleans I guess he wanted his contribution to reflect his heritage, although since the guy leaving is Chinese, I don’t see the point.) Said he’d make them himself, and probably meant it too. But as it happens I’d MUCH rather do it myself than walk him through every step of the way. Probably better to preserve our marriage too, if you follow.

Coincidentally, or not, Red Beans and Rice was long the traditional Creole Monday meal. It was a dish that could stand to simmer unattended while the womenfolk did the Monday chore of washing the clothes, (sort of a pure, early example of multi-tasking, which women have done all along), and there was also usually a hambone left over from Sunday dinner to throw in the pot.

Customarily no other meat was added, but rather sausage links or pork chops would be served on the side. However, most contemporary versions of the dish include andouille, or some other (inevitably inferior) spicy sausage. In my opinion, if you don’t use andouille, don’t bother. We get ours freshly made from a local sausage kitchen, but Savorie’s makes a very good packaged andouille that can be found almost nationwide, or, that failing, ordered over the internet.

Some purists insist that only homemade chicken stock and slow cooking, extra long grain, white rice will do. I say phooey on them. It’s work enough to chop all those veggies. Do yourself a favor and go with canned chicken broth (low sodium preferred) and Success Boil-in-Bag white rice, cooked in more canned broth. I promise you, nobody will know the difference. Not even you.

As for the hot sauce, I’m a traditionalist here and stick with the original Tabasco brand. How much to use depends on how spicy your sausage is and how ‘hot’ the crowd you’re cooking for likes their food. If you want to just leave it out and let everyone add their own at the table, that’s fine too.

It’s starting to smell really good in here. It’s also getting really hot. At least I’m not having to do the laundry at the same time.


Red Beans and Rice (for a crowd)

4 cups dried red kidney beans
1 cup chopped bacon
4 cups sliced andouille sausage
1 jumbo Vidalia (or other sweet) onion, chopped
1 cup diced celery
1 cup diced green bell pepper
5 cloves garlic, minced
3 bay leaves
3 sprigs fresh thyme
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon hot pepper sauce (more or less to taste)
12 cups canned reduced-sodium chicken broth

6 to 8 packets Success rice
6 cups canned reduced-sodium chicken broth

Soak beans overnight in cold fresh water.

In a large stockpot or sauté pan (I use an 8 quart sauté pan), sauté chopped bacon over medium heat until slightly brown and grease is released. Add sausage. Sauté for 6 to 8 minutes until sausage is lightly browned.

Add the onion, celery and bell pepper, (the so called Holy Trinity of Creole cuisine), along with the garlic, bay leaves, thyme, salt, pepper, oregano and hot pepper sauce. Sauté over medium heat for 8 to 10 minutes or until vegetables are soft, stirring occasionally.

Drain beans. Add beans and chicken broth to pot and bring to a simmer.

Cook, uncovered, over medium low heat until beans are tender and mixture reaches a creamy consistency (at least 1 hour), skimming surface occasionally to remove any excess grease or foam.

Prepare rice according to package directions, substituting canned chicken broth for water.

Serve beans over rice with a bottle of hot sauce on the side.

Serves 12 to 15.

NOTE: The recipe for the beans can easily be downsized to serve 6 by halving all ingredients.

Why Do I Feel Cheated?

"Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their Daddy or their dog just died"
Everybody Knows - The Duhks

Obviously I’m delighted to learn of the imminent departure of Karl Rove from the White House so that he can “spend more time with his family.” (Don't you just once want to hear one of those guys say they're retiring to spend more time with their mistress or so they can devote more energy to their hobbies of internet pornography and high stakes gambling?) However, it would’ve been so much more satisfying to hear that he had been indicted for one of his many unspeakable crimes against my country, or at least caught in flagrante delicto in a seedy DC hotel room with a teenage boy. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel so cheated.

The only thing that gets me through times like these is chocolate. So I'm going to share one of my never fail antidotes for political angst. This recipe comes from Kraft foods and contains all my favorite church lady ingredients, cake mix, Jello pudding, and Cool Whip. So easy, so good, so Democratic!

Killer Chocolate Fudge Layer Cake

1 package chocolate cake mix
1 package Jello Chocolate Flavor Instant Pudding & Pie Filling
4 eggs
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup cooking oil
1/2 cup water
1 (8 ounce) package semisweet baking chocolate
1 (8 ounce) tub Cool Whip
Sliced almonds for garnish

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease 2 (9-inch) round cake pans. Beat cake mix, dry pudding mix, eggs, sour cream, oil and water in large bowl with electric mixer until well blended. Stir in 2 squares (2 ounces) of the chocolate, chopped. Pour batter into prepared pans. Bake 30 t0 35 minutes or until toothpick inserted near center comes out clean. Remove from pans and cool completely.

Place remaining 6 squares (6 ounces) of chocolate and Cool Whip in microwaveable bowl and microwave on high for 2 minutes. Stir until blended and shiny. Cool. Place cake layer on serving plate, spread with 1/4 of the chocolate mixture. Place second layer on top. Spread remaining chocolate mixture over top and sides of cake. Garnish with almonds. So you know, I double the frosting recipe. It's unbelievably good so why skimp!

Note: If you want to lighten up the recipe, you can use fat free sour cream, fat free whipped topping, and even sugar free pudding mix. The chocolate, however, must be the real deal.

Just Kill Me Now

"Put on your red shoes and dance the blues..."
Let's Dance - David Bowie

Seriously, there are some things worse than death. And if I’m ever caught doing them, it means I’m ready to go and helping me along would be a mercy.

For starters, I will never, ever dress my cats in cute little pet clothes in either a vain attempt to anthropomorphize them into child substitutes or just because I’m bored. (Hank’s black leatherette walking vest does not count.

It serves a purpose and besides, he looks really hot in it.) With the possible exception of Halloween, (I once saw a French Bulldog dressed as a bumblebee and didn’t gag), there’s no excuse to tart your pets up like little pimps and hos. And trust me, your Lhasa Apso does not look cute in that Burberry raincoat and booties, no matter what they told you at Pour La Pooch. The other dogs laugh at him on those play dates you arrange at the pet park, and one of these nights he’s going to rip your throat out while you sleep. When I dress Hank and Maude as Romeo and Juliet, or even put cute little knit sweaters on their backs, just kill me now, before they do.

And speaking of matching outfits, the husband and I have a pact that we will never, ever, dress in coordinated ‘his/hers’ ensembles.
When the photos came back from a trip we took to New England a few years ago, we realized that, for shame, we had come uncomfortably close. We took a blood oath and swore, never again, not even by accident. If you should see us dressed alike, just kill us both, or better yet, force us to wear matching “I’m With Stupid” t-shirts in public for the rest of our lives.

I will never paint little designs on my fingernails, not itty bitty flowers, not butterflies, and certainly not tiger stripes. Nor will I set my manicured and extended talons with tiny rhinestones, sequins or bits of glitter. If I’m feeling particularly frisky, I may go French, and that's plenty nail art for me. So if you ever see me with a bouquet on my fingertips instead of in them, just kill me now. That goes for my toes too.

Call me a food snob, but if at all possible, with the exception of sushi bars, I try never to eat in restaurants that have color photos of the food on the menu. Sometimes it may be unavoidable, say when eating with a group of less particular tastes, or in a foreign country where otherwise you wouldn’t have any idea what you were ordering. However, if you should happen to see me eating in a Denny’s, actually enjoying the Grand Slam breakfast, or the like, on my own time and my own dime, just kill me now. The food would probably do it pretty soon anyway.

Hey, I’m all for growing old, especially considering the alternative, but I will never, ever, join an organization with advanced age as a prerequisite. The AARP is wasting postage, and possibly precious resources, sending me harassing mailers, likewise the Gray Panthers, Angry Old Farts, and Grandmothers for Peace (although I may agree with their causes). But the most objectionable, by far, is The Red Hat Society. Yeah, yeah, I know, wearing a red hat with a purple outfit is somehow supposed to be empowering, but let’s face it, almost nobody actually looks good in purple, especially white women of a certain age. (Our black red hat sisters fare slightly better, but it's still not a good look.) And unless you’re a Vegas showgirl or a major league baseball player, that goes double for the red hat. These are the kind of women who give menopause a bad name, and they deserve to die.

And the same thing goes for the Bloomer Girls too. You want empowerment? Read a book, take a yoga class, learn to sky dive, get a hormone patch and a shot of Botox and steal your daughter’s boyfriend, but for God’s sake don’t plop a red hat on top of your head and troop en masse to the nearest shopping mall.

I must admit, however, if it were red shoes they were wearing, all bets might be off.

Cooking With Jesus

“Midnight at the Waffle House,
Jesus eatin’ eggs with y'all…”
“If Jesus Drove A Motor Home” – Jim White

I’m a fool for cookbooks. I read them like some people read novels, except they don’t even have to be particularly good to hold my interest. In fact some of my favorite cookbook reads don’t contain a single recipe I’d ever make, but all the same provide untold entertainment value.

I’m particularly fond of regional, community cookbooks, (favoring the southeastern United States), and the sub-genre I call church lady cookbooks, published by a church or religious organization for fund raising, with recipes contributed by the members.

Over the years I’ve more or less worked out an informal rating system for including them in my collection. The gold standard: there must be at least one recipe each for squash casserole and broccoli casserole, one of which must contain either Cheez Whiz, Velveeta, (two processed ‘cheese foods’ greatly regarded in the south), cream of mushroom soup or mayonnaise. (The last two comprise two of the Holy Trinity of church lady cooking, the third being Cool Whip.) Ideally, the cookbook should also contain at least one reference to margarine as “oleo,” feature several recipes using regionally popular name brands, and use Cool Whip and Jello together in a single recipe somewhere, preferably in desserts, (for what I hope are obvious reasons). Bonus points are given for the inclusion of such church lady staples as Tater Tot Casserole, Ritz Cracker Pie, Strawberry Pretzel Salad, and the ubiquitous Red Velvet Cake.

Then there are those things that can elevate a church lady cookbook from ho-hum to, dare I say it, heavenly. Take Scripture Cake, (sometimes called Bible Cake), where one is supposed to divine the ingredients by scripture as in, “1 cup Judges 5:25.” That would be butter, but I didn’t look it up, rather a former owner of Favorite Recipes, compiled by the members of the Women’s Society of Christian Service of White’s United Methodist Church, (1977, Lynchburg, Virginia - 2 squash casseroles, 0 broccoli casseroles), did and thoughtfully made notations. She also pronounced the “Fruit Cocktail Cake” as “Good!” although I’ll probably never know for sure.

In fact, Favorite Recipes, might not have made the bookshelf at all, having no recipe for broccoli casserole, had it not been so. Although, it would’ve been hard to pass up Mrs. Flora Bryant’s one ingredient recipe for “Fried Squirrel -- 1 squirrel, dressed." Flora goes on to say her frying method can also be applied to rabbit or “other small game meats.” I don’t want to speculate. Also, the book contains color photos of food, never a good idea unless you’re using glossy paper stock or have a grudge against the cook, and offers up a plethora of prune favorites – “Prune Bread,” “Prune Turnovers,” “Prunella Cake,” and, my personal pick, “Prune Pancakes.” Again, I don’t want to speculate.

I would, however, like to speculate as to what happens if I don’t like Alania Rakestraw’s “You Better Like It French Toast,” from the From Our Oven To Yours cookbook, published by the Burnt Hickory United Methodist Church of Dallas, Georgia (1 squash casserole, 3 broccoli casseroles). Will I be force fed “Mrs. Tooler Doolen’s Chicken Stuff,” and “Betty’s Popcorn Cake” (a sickly sounding concoction made with popcorn, marshmallows, peanuts, gumdrops, M & M candies, and, yes, oleo), and made to wash it down with a “Nancy’s Muscadine Mimosa,” (non-alcoholic, of course)?

And why are these women so ready to brand such noxious sounding potions with their names? I, frankly, would prefer the anonymity of a nickname. I’m almost ready to try “Jug’s Homemade Chili” on name value alone. It comes from Treasures from Heaven, a Collection of Recipes from Hopewell United Methodist Church (2001, Milledgeville, Georgia - 6 squash, 4 broccoli casseroles). The high squash/broccoli casserole count alone would put this cookbook in the upper crust, even it if weren’t for such gems as “Gaga’s Cranberry Salad,” “Ma Ma’s Meat Loaf,” and “Pastor Dan’s Taco Pizza.” And if you don’t like “Jug’s Homemade Chili,” you can opt for “Landon Carey’s Methodist Chili,” an unsurprisingly bland recipe, which concludes with instructions to “serve with saltines, dill pickles and cold drink.” Wow, I would’ve never thought to pair a dill pickle with chili.

Nor would I have thought to combine the aforementioned cheese food with chocolate. The prize for originality really should go to Mrs. Shelby Selvey, who shares her recipe for “Velveeta Cheese Fudge” in Variety Pack, Favorite Recipes from Dresden Pentecostal Church (1998, Dresden, Tennessee – 3 squash, 6 broccoli casseroles). Truly a dish to savor, it’d probably be really good after polishing off a batch of “Mom’s Magic Puffs,” proffered by Mickie Jennings, who also contributed a sumptuous sounding recipe for “Twinkie Cake,” Twinkies, crushed pineapple, instant pudding and Cool Whip, layered and garnished with nuts and cherries. Yum.

While the necessities of modern living have made convenience foods, like cake mix, instant puddings, Cool Whip, etc. the backbone of today’s church lady recipe repertoire, back in 1958 when the Christian Women’s Fellowship of Central Christian Church in Austin, Texas published Kitchen Witchery (1 squash, 1 broccoli casserole), they were just beginning to catch on. Mrs. Ernest Buck uses instant mashed potatoes to mold canned tuna for her, no doubt delicious, “Tuna Drumsticks,” and Mrs. Elgin Burr explores the limits of dried beef jerky in her imaginatively titled, and no doubt Biblically themed, (please, God), appetizer, “Burning Bush.” Cream cheese shaped into small balls, rolled in dried chopped beef, and affixed with toothpicks to a grapefruit. Beautiful idea for a buffet centerpiece, and edible too!

Churchy themed foodstuffs have always been popular. Southern Manna, from the First United Methodist Church of Waycross, Georgia (c.2001 - 5 squash, 2 broccoli casseroles), offers Mrs. Ida Rodocker’s “Born Again Pickles.” Probably be really good with the previously noted “Methodist Chili,” but since you start out with a perfectly good jar of ‘store-bought’ dill pickles (which you ‘resurrect’ with cloves, vinegar, some spices and 3 cups of sugar), I don’t really see the point. (Oh, wait a minute, three cups of sugar. Sure I do.) Spreading the love to both God and country, the same book also features a black-eyed pea relish popularly known as “Confederate Caviar,” and a snack mix called “White Trash,” (also an Ida Rodocker specialty), just so we all know where we stand.

Snack Mixes are real crowd pleasers when the church ladies get together for Bible Study or just to dish on the new pastor’s cheeky little wife who you’re going to have to be nice to whether you like her or not. Serve up some of Stacy McCoy’s “Rice Chex Puppy Chow,” (make plenty so there’s some left over for the kids), from Bread of Life, A Collection of Recipes from Salem Baptist Church (2003, Milledgeville, GA – 4 squash, 6 broccoli casseroles), and if you really want to go whole hog whip up a “Pig Licking Cake” or “Oreo Trifle” for dessert. Those of adventurous palate might enjoy a side dish of Candi Badcock’s, “Table, Table, Tee, Tee,” (canned asparagus marinated in bottled salad dressing, sugar and sesame oil), and of course you want to have plenty of Yellow Punch I (straight up) or II (with Mountain Dew) on hand to sip. Really, we don’t want to over-think this.

But the real Queen of Church Lady Cookbooks may well be the New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary’s Baptist Dishes Worth Blessing (4th Printing, 1987 - 3 squash, 2 broccoli casseroles), if only for the photo of the quintessential Baptist church lady on the cover. Table’s set with the best company china, silver goblets, you just know she’s fantasizing about what she’d serve Jesus if he were to come to dinner. I’m thinking “Amiable Chicken Curry,” (It just wouldn’t do to serve the Savior pissed off poultry, would it?), with Mrs. Bobby Neese’s “Mayonnaise Quick Bread,” Glennis Williams’ “Squash Balls,” and Ivy O’Hara’s “7-Up Cake” for dessert. And of course for starters she’d serve that most southern of nibbles, cheddar cheese straws. I’ve tried them, and they are so seriously good I swear you’ll never eat Cheetos again.



Cheese Straws
(Compliments of Mrs. Claude Howe
Baptist Dishes Worth Blessing)

1 pound grated sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 cup unsalted butter (1 stick)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon red cayenne pepper
2 cups all-purpose flour

Place grated cheese and butter in large mixing bowl and allow to soften to room temperature. Cream by hand or with mixer. Sift together flour, salt and cayenne pepper. Gradually add dry ingredients to the butter and cheese. Mix thoroughly.

Turn dough onto a lightly floured surface and knead five or six times. Roll dough out to 1/4 inch thickness and cut into strips, about 1/2 inch wide and four or five inches long.

Place strips on ungreased cookie sheet and bake in preheated 400 degree oven for 10 to 15 minutes, until straws begin to brown around edges. Cool completely. Makes about 12 dozen.

Losing My Religion

"That's me in the corner,
that's me in the spotlight,
losing my religion"
"Losing My Religion" - R.E.M

My maternal grandmother was a Tarpley. Not just any Tarpley, but rather of THE Methodist Tarpleys, direct from the line of cohorts of John Wesley himself. My g-g-g-grandfather Edward Jones Tarpley came down to Georgia from Virginia, sometime after the war of 1812, as a circuit riding Methodist preacher, part of an effort by the church to build membership among African-Americans, (let’s hope he started with his 39 slaves, as recorded in the 1810 census), Native Americans (before or after procuring their land, I can’t rightly say), and, of course, settlers of European descent, in other words, lots of very white folks. The Methodists were hot on the heels of the Baptists, who, by the grace of Jesus, got there first, but they were no less determined. Not that there was much difference in the ways the two practiced their faiths in those days. (An old Georgia joke gives the definition of a Methodist as a Baptist who can read.)

The “Shoutin’ Methodists,” as they were known, practiced a particularly severe brand of Methodism and were given to preaching hellfire and damnation at outdoor camp meetings, in the warm months, and in private homes, in the winter. Later small churches sprang up, often on the sites where the camp meetings had been held. So it was with Salem Methodist, founded in 1818, in a sandy bottom at the intersection of two winding red dirt roads, and just up the hill from a natural spring full of crystal clear running water and rattlesnakes – a church as simple and austere as the people themselves, and not unrepresentative, as it happens.

There on the second Sunday in July, in the very throes of the insufferable Georgia summer, Salem celebrates homecoming, (always has, always will), complete with dinner on the grounds, preaching, singing and “fellowship,” with people you haven’t seen in 30 years, have never met, or don’t remember even if you did.

A couple of years ago I persuaded a cousin to accompany me to the festivities. She’d heard there were “a lot of good cooks up there,” so, not to be outdone, we set out armed with homemade potato salad, baked beans and brownies. On the way a local politician, who was running for office in an upcoming election, (and not one to miss an opportunity to glad hand constituents), flagged us down for directions. If you’ve ever been to Salem you know you never forget the way. You also know it’s impossible to tell anyone else how to get there. We suggested she follow us, and although we all made it there in good order, she lost the election anyway.

Dinner on the grounds did not disappoint, (although some infidel brought KFC and I did see a couple of store bought pies, a sin that would’ve guaranteed a ticket to hell in Grandma’s day). I did some comparison shopping at the deviled egg smorgasbord, then made straight away to the homemade cakes and pies. There was also an excellent corn pudding, some better than average field peas, and don’t get me started on the fig preserves. And by the way, when these people fry a chicken, they fry it all, even the feet, and they fry it in lard. (The chicken was quite good. I can’t vouch for the feet.)

The place was crawling with Thompsons and Tarpleys and Lords and Wynns, shirt-tail relatives all. (It's a very small gene pool.) I met the son of the man who made the cedar chest, which I inherited from my mother, out of a cedar tree that was struck by lightning and fell into my grandparent’s yard, (right smack on top of cousin Wavy Thompson's brand new jeep). Well over 80 himself, he’s a 3rd cousin. Another 3rd cousin once removed, whose ‘Yankee’ mother left his father and absconded north with him just a baby, was there, looking for his “roots.” (He SO brought the KFC.) The church pianist, a 4th cousin, is the daughter of the woman who played piano there back when I attended services with my grandparents, (and she plays just a badly too).

Then I meet the controversial new pastor, a short, stocky woman with a genial, if somewhat butch, manner, wearing a big cross around her neck and a man’s wristwatch on her arm. Let’s call her the Rev. Debbie. Rev. Debbie is controversial not because she is most probably a Lesbian, (they don’t have a clue), but rather because she is a woman. That being the case, she had me at 'hello.'

Rev. Debbie is pushing the sale of a church cookbook with recipes contributed by the congregation. (They’re hoping to raise enough money to install indoor toilets.) It has seven different recipes for squash casserole. Somebody named “Aunt Effie” has donated a recipe for “three ingredient pork roast, “(1 pork loin, 1 package onion soup mix, 1 can Dr. Pepper). I buy one for myself and several more for friends who like to cook and share my sense of humor. The recipe for “Better Than ??? Cake,” (that would be “Better Than Sex Cake,” anyplace else), alone is worth the price.

By early afternoon it’s sweltering so everybody is eager to move into the church, where two window unit air conditioners, (the bounty of last year's cookbook fundraiser), are heaving out a tepid draft. I grab a supplemental Jesus breeze, (that’s a hand fan with a photo of Jesus on one side and a funeral home advert on the other, in case you didn't know), and squeeze into a pew. It’s SRO. After a hymn or two the guest minister (another 3rd cousin) delivers an affable and innocuous sermon about family and reconnecting and, well, there you have it, homecoming. I’m chillin' with my homies and getting a serious case of the warm fuzzies. There’s some more singing while they pass the collection plate. I give generously. (I’m down with that indoor bathroom idea, and they might well work on paving those roads too.) Then Rev. Debbie gets up to make a few closing remarks.

I’m totally unprepared for what happens next. The Rev. Debbie passes out flyers with the names, numbers and address of all our members of congress, and urges each and every one of us flood their offices with letters, calls and emails, demanding they support an amendment to the U.S. Constitution to define marriage as the union between one man and one woman. According to Rev. Debbie the very sanctity of marriage and family as we know it is at stake, hanging on a thread beneath the specter of homosexual connubial bliss. To my utter dismay a chorus of “amens” echos around the room. Here we are in one of the poorest counties, in arguably one of the poorer states in the county, the public school system is a disaster, the nearest fully facilitated hospital is 40 miles away and the local white trash have graduated from moonshining to manufacturing methamphetamines. These people have got a lot better things to worry about than whether the prissy bachelor next door is getting it in the butt from the cute blonde guy he lives with and wants to marry him. Believe it.

I want my donation back. They deserve their porta-potties, and their fried chicken feet too.

I didn’t make it to Homecoming this year, but I'll likely go again someday. The Rev. Debbie, for whatever reason, is no longer there, and the new preacher, so I’m told, is an earnest young fellow with a wife and a couple of small children. Sounds like a safe choice. Maybe. Anyhow, next time I’m going to bake a cake for the occasion and put a little food flag on top so everybody knows just what kind of cake it is.

BETTER THAN SEX CAKE (my recipe, not theirs):

1 box Devil’s Food cake mix
1 can sweetened condensed milk
1 6-ounce jar caramel topping
1 8-ounce container of Cool Whip (or, to really kick it, 8 ounces of heavy cream, whipped)
3 chocolate covered toffee bars (Heath bars work well), crushed
Bittersweet chocolate bar for shaving

Prepare cake according to package direction and bake in a 9 X 13 inch pan. Poke holes over top of cake with a skewer or chopstick. Pour condensed milk over cake, allowing time to soak in. Heat caramel topping in microwave and pour over top of cake. Scatter crushed chocolate toffee bars over cake. Chill thoroughly. Top with Cool Whip or whipped cream. Shave bittersweet chocolate on top. Serve.

Is it really better than sex? Well, that would depend entirely on the cook... or the lover.

The Unhappiest Place on Earth

"If I knew admission was thirty bucks, I'd of brought Discover Card." Disneyland - Guttermouth

Last October we went to Italy. Spent several days each in Florence and Siena and did a mini-tour of the Tuscan countryside while chasing a bit of the grape.


Can’t recommend it highly enough; great people, (except for that little jerk at the café outside Siena who threatened to call the policia because my husband used his restroom without buying anything – it WAS an emergency), great food (think pizza, pig and panna cotta), great wine, great shopping (leopard skin spotted suede gloves and lambskin jackets), and great art (so many Madonnas, so little time). And, of course, we made the obligatory visit to the Accademia Gallery to view Michelangelo’s David. It was swell.

On the way home we were treated to a night at Disneyland Paris, a little lagniappe, courtesy of Air France and Mother Nature. I like to call it the unhappiest place on earth.

To really appreciate the adventure you have to start back in Florence, when our commuter flight to Paris was cancelled due to weather. (I swear, at this juncture the sun was shining.) After standing in line for a hour and a half to book a new flight, we were told, “the line you need is ‘over there.’” God forgive us, but before we could stop ourselves, we exercised our prerogative to be ugly Americans and simply pushed our way to the front of the appropriate queue, cutting ahead of a group of Japanese schoolgirls. Since they didn’t speak English, or we Japanese, we have no idea what they were saying, or to whom, as they transmitted our pictures over their cell phones and spat gibberish into to the receivers. Fortunately it did not become necessary to remind them who won WWII.

Alas, the brazen and boorish usually get their comeuppance, especially when they’re us. We got ours when we learned we would need to take a bus to Pisa, (‘maybe we’ll get to see the leaning tower,’ we thought, but you just know we did not), fly from Pisa to Paris, overnight, and then on to Los Angeles the next morning. Might even squeeze in a nice dinner in the City of Lights. What could be bad? Plenty.

Our flight left Pisa more than two hours late so we didn’t even get to Paris until around midnight. Once there we were hustled aboard a bus with a veritable United Nations of about 50 other stranded travelers, all bound for the Hotel Cheyenne at Disneyland Paris, an hour’s drive away. (If anybody knew why we were being exiled to the fringes, they weren’t saying.) Then we sit on bus for an hour and a half waiting for “six Nigerians,” in route from London to Lagos, to obtain visas, since their stay in France will now exceed the non-visa window of 12 hours. A young Brazilian woman two rows behind us begins to have an anxiety attack, flailing and wailing in a language we likely wouldn’t have been able to understand even if we had known what it was. Revolution is thick in the air. An inebriated Scotsman asserts loudly that he knows how to drive a bus if anyone knows how to hot wire it. Several brave souls venture out to confront and demand answers from the Air France employees assigned to monitor the bus. Said employees quietly slip into the terminal and lock the doors. I’m not making any of this up.

The Nigerians finally arrive, tired, chagrined and wearing dripping wet dashikis. (Did I mention it was raining?) Then we have to wait for the bus driver. Then, finally, we leave.

The Hotel Cheyenne, a western movie set of a ghost town, was surely designed by Walt himself in league with Rod Serling and Franz Kafka. It is 2:30 AM by the time we arrive, and our driver tells us another bus will pick those of us with morning flights up at 6:30 AM and transport us back to the airport. Great.

The desk clerks, Eastern European youths wearing name tags that style them as “Francoise” and “Jacques,” (for sure), are duded up like zombie square dancers. Their English is poor. Our French is worse. The “Chuck Wagon” is closed. The lodgings are two story “bunkhouses” with names like “The Wyatt Earp,” “The Jail,” “The OK Corral,” and “The Gallows.” Our bunkhouse, “The Calamity Jane,” is at the very end of a really long, really dark, really muddy, street. (I did mention it was raining, didn’t I?) The shuttle, needless to say, is not running this late at night so we must walk. There is no elevator, no soft drink or water vending machines, no en suite mini-bar. Our room has bunk beds, a wagon wheel ‘chandelier,’ and a single boot shaped table lamp. (The entire space is approximately the size of the box the boot came in.) The sole amenities in the bathroom are a single roll of toilet tissue and a bar of soap with Mickey Mouse embossed on the side. We decide to save it as a souvenir of the occasion.

Three hours later our automated wake up call comes. I kid you not, in flawless English, “Good morning buckaroos! Do you know what time it is? It’s time to rise and shine!”

It’s time to leave France. Only problem is Air France has canceled the 6:30 AM bus. Not that anyone bothers to tell us. When one of our group goes to the desk and inquires why our bus is late, “Francoise” explains that we have two choices, either take a cab to the airport, at a cost of something like 90 Euros, or wait until 8:00 for a EuroDisney bus. Since our flight isn’t until 10, and there’s a half hour wait for a cab anyway, we opt for the latter. (At least this way we’re able to avail ourselves of our “complimentary breakfast” in the “Chuck Wagon,” were we discover there is indeed bad food in France.)

But that’s another story, and to tell you about the EuroDisney bus, filled with developmentally disabled young adults who sang “Happy Birthday” to someone all the way to Charles DeGaulle would just be wrong. But it probably wouldn’t be wrong to mention that the bus made stops at all the other Disneyland Hotels before heading for the airport and then encountered a massive, rush hour traffic jam on the way. Fortunately our driver, (the same one we later figured out charged us double what our fare should’ve been), turned out to be very adroit at driving on the shoulder, cutting through petrol station lots, and squeezing the enormous vehicle through narrow alleys clearly designed for foot traffic.

We made our flight with just moments to spare. And then something very wonderful happened. We discovered that we had an empty seat between us for the flight home. Maybe there is a God after all.

We look forward to going to Italy again soon, but not on Air France.