Annoying Christmas Newsletter, 2009

I know what you're thinking. 2009 was such a sucky year let's just be done with the holidays and get our game on into 2010. Well, in the interest of being a glass-half-full type of person (one of my New Year's resolutions from back in January when we still had some faint hope a of a year that didn't suck), I've determined that some things which, on the surface, seem to suck, may have the proverbial silver lining, and there are still a few things that don't necessarily suck at all. So, here's my list of things that didn't suck in 2009.

The Recession - Suddenly it's a lot easier to find a parking spot at the mall. Awesome.

Unemployment - As one of the millions who has enjoyed being unemployed for a good part of the year, I'm here to tell you that having a job is entirely over-rated. Sure a paycheck is nice, but what could replace the quality time we gain to cruise the internet, make new "friends"on Facebook, watch daytime TV, go on pointless job interviews, and bond with our pets? And what a wonderful opportunity to hone our people skills, fending off bill collectors and smoozing the folks over at the EDA. Seriously, it's all in the spin.

Stonehenge - Sure it's just a big pile of rocks, and it was wicked cold when we were there one day last winter, at sunrise, but it didn't suck.

Global Warming - So just what's wrong with wearing flip-flops and shorts all year long?! And, no down jackets forever! Besides, the jury's still out on that one, isn't it? At least that's what George W. Bush asserted about evolution a few years back, and I'm pretty sure the same principle applies to global warming.
Sarah Palin - OK, you're right, Sarah Palin totally does suck. And the fact that she may run for President in 2012 and is making gazillions on that fake "memoir" she "wrote" sucks too. But, if it weren't for her we wouldn't have Levi Johnston, who has proven to be an endless source of
entertainment and bemusement for all of us Pop Culture freaks, or pearls of wisdom like this: "It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future." (Extolling the virtues of Alaska in her last speech as governor, July 26, 2009.) This woman is truly a national treasure.

Canada - We went there in August. Went zip lining in Whistler. Survived. What's not to like, eh?
The Health Care Crisis - Just like having a job, affordable health care is entirely over-rated. Who needs health insurance when you can always sell your house, your car, and maybe a kidney to pay for that appendectomy! And besides, IF you somehow manage to make it to 65, it's free anyhow! So just settle back in that wheelchair and chill awhile. You'll be able to get that hip replacement you've been needing on-the-house before you know it. (What? You're only 39? Damn, that sucks.)

Death Panels -- Death panels don't suck because they don't exist. Think LSD babies, they didn't exist either, though back in the sixties they tried to scare us out of tripping with tales of our progeny as pin-headed monsters with fangs and tails. (On second thought, maybe that could account for my stepson.)

I haven't received a single cat calendar this year and it's already Christmas Eve -- Not that cat calendars suck per se, it's just that last year I got five of them. Nobody needs five calenders of any kind unless they're suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder, and even then it's highly probable that least one of them will be a dog person.

Medical Marijuana -- As if the weather alone isn't reason enough to move to California

Norwood Young's Christmas Display - Not one to let the recession dim his enthusiasm for the season, or the lights on his lawn, Hancock Park neighbor Norwood Young once again dazzles with an over-the-top extravaganza of tasteless excess and shameless self-promotion. This year's tableaux features, in addition to the usual African American Santas and festively fastooned naked "David" statues, an idealized, larger than life cutout of the man himself, looming over his domain. And did I mention there's a snow machine?

The Countrypolitan Kitchen - Speaking of shameless self-promotion, check out my food blog, The Countrypolitan Kitchen, which does not suck unless you're on a diet. Dieting definitely sucks.
Santa Claus -- OK, I know some of the elves might not agree with me, especially the ones who got laid off, but Santa Claus does not suck. Sure, it was a rough year at the Pole, cuts had to be made, and Mrs. Claus got a bundle after the big guy got caught with that bar hostess in Orlando, (not to mention how much it cost him to repair the sleigh), but how can you really hate a guy who still gives little kids guns for Christmas?!

Little "Johnny" from Georgia wants an AK-47, and I'm betting he get's it, especially since he's holding the teddy bear hostage.

Christmas at The Grove -- It kinda sucks that they didn't have the Top Hats dancing girls troupe back this year.
But then, who needs the Santa Sluts (RIP) when over at the Farmer's Market you've got Victorian Carolers and a Po' Boy sandwich?
Pet Photo Night at Santa's Workshop -- As the old saying goes, a picture really is worth a thousand words.

The U. S. to New Zealand currency exchange rate - At $1.40 NZ to every $1.00 US it's not as good as it used to be, but it doesn't suck either. That's our excuse for spending the remainder of the holiday season in the Cook Islands. That and the fact that we celebrated our 15th anniversary this year and want to return to where we spent our honeymoon. So, while you guys are freezing your butts off New Year's eve back east, up north, down south, or wherever you're parking it these days, we'll be soaking up the sunshine on a blue lagoon in Rarotonga. Which brings me back to why global warming may not suck so much after all.
My Posse -- friends, family, and pets; you are all, quite simply, the best. And if any of you sucked at all this year, (Hank, you SO ripped that hole in the back of the sofa), I didn't notice, or at least pretended not to, because I love you so much.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! MERRY CHRISTMAS! Shalom. Peace. May your days, be merry and bright, and I hope your new year doesn't suck.