Cooking With Jesus

“Midnight at the Waffle House,
Jesus eatin’ eggs with y'all…”
“If Jesus Drove A Motor Home” – Jim White

I’m a fool for cookbooks. I read them like some people read novels, except they don’t even have to be particularly good to hold my interest. In fact some of my favorite cookbook reads don’t contain a single recipe I’d ever make, but all the same provide untold entertainment value.

I’m particularly fond of regional, community cookbooks, (favoring the southeastern United States), and the sub-genre I call church lady cookbooks, published by a church or religious organization for fund raising, with recipes contributed by the members.

Over the years I’ve more or less worked out an informal rating system for including them in my collection. The gold standard: there must be at least one recipe each for squash casserole and broccoli casserole, one of which must contain either Cheez Whiz, Velveeta, (two processed ‘cheese foods’ greatly regarded in the south), cream of mushroom soup or mayonnaise. (The last two comprise two of the Holy Trinity of church lady cooking, the third being Cool Whip.) Ideally, the cookbook should also contain at least one reference to margarine as “oleo,” feature several recipes using regionally popular name brands, and use Cool Whip and Jello together in a single recipe somewhere, preferably in desserts, (for what I hope are obvious reasons). Bonus points are given for the inclusion of such church lady staples as Tater Tot Casserole, Ritz Cracker Pie, Strawberry Pretzel Salad, and the ubiquitous Red Velvet Cake.

Then there are those things that can elevate a church lady cookbook from ho-hum to, dare I say it, heavenly. Take Scripture Cake, (sometimes called Bible Cake), where one is supposed to divine the ingredients by scripture as in, “1 cup Judges 5:25.” That would be butter, but I didn’t look it up, rather a former owner of Favorite Recipes, compiled by the members of the Women’s Society of Christian Service of White’s United Methodist Church, (1977, Lynchburg, Virginia - 2 squash casseroles, 0 broccoli casseroles), did and thoughtfully made notations. She also pronounced the “Fruit Cocktail Cake” as “Good!” although I’ll probably never know for sure.

In fact, Favorite Recipes, might not have made the bookshelf at all, having no recipe for broccoli casserole, had it not been so. Although, it would’ve been hard to pass up Mrs. Flora Bryant’s one ingredient recipe for “Fried Squirrel -- 1 squirrel, dressed." Flora goes on to say her frying method can also be applied to rabbit or “other small game meats.” I don’t want to speculate. Also, the book contains color photos of food, never a good idea unless you’re using glossy paper stock or have a grudge against the cook, and offers up a plethora of prune favorites – “Prune Bread,” “Prune Turnovers,” “Prunella Cake,” and, my personal pick, “Prune Pancakes.” Again, I don’t want to speculate.

I would, however, like to speculate as to what happens if I don’t like Alania Rakestraw’s “You Better Like It French Toast,” from the From Our Oven To Yours cookbook, published by the Burnt Hickory United Methodist Church of Dallas, Georgia (1 squash casserole, 3 broccoli casseroles). Will I be force fed “Mrs. Tooler Doolen’s Chicken Stuff,” and “Betty’s Popcorn Cake” (a sickly sounding concoction made with popcorn, marshmallows, peanuts, gumdrops, M & M candies, and, yes, oleo), and made to wash it down with a “Nancy’s Muscadine Mimosa,” (non-alcoholic, of course)?

And why are these women so ready to brand such noxious sounding potions with their names? I, frankly, would prefer the anonymity of a nickname. I’m almost ready to try “Jug’s Homemade Chili” on name value alone. It comes from Treasures from Heaven, a Collection of Recipes from Hopewell United Methodist Church (2001, Milledgeville, Georgia - 6 squash, 4 broccoli casseroles). The high squash/broccoli casserole count alone would put this cookbook in the upper crust, even it if weren’t for such gems as “Gaga’s Cranberry Salad,” “Ma Ma’s Meat Loaf,” and “Pastor Dan’s Taco Pizza.” And if you don’t like “Jug’s Homemade Chili,” you can opt for “Landon Carey’s Methodist Chili,” an unsurprisingly bland recipe, which concludes with instructions to “serve with saltines, dill pickles and cold drink.” Wow, I would’ve never thought to pair a dill pickle with chili.

Nor would I have thought to combine the aforementioned cheese food with chocolate. The prize for originality really should go to Mrs. Shelby Selvey, who shares her recipe for “Velveeta Cheese Fudge” in Variety Pack, Favorite Recipes from Dresden Pentecostal Church (1998, Dresden, Tennessee – 3 squash, 6 broccoli casseroles). Truly a dish to savor, it’d probably be really good after polishing off a batch of “Mom’s Magic Puffs,” proffered by Mickie Jennings, who also contributed a sumptuous sounding recipe for “Twinkie Cake,” Twinkies, crushed pineapple, instant pudding and Cool Whip, layered and garnished with nuts and cherries. Yum.

While the necessities of modern living have made convenience foods, like cake mix, instant puddings, Cool Whip, etc. the backbone of today’s church lady recipe repertoire, back in 1958 when the Christian Women’s Fellowship of Central Christian Church in Austin, Texas published Kitchen Witchery (1 squash, 1 broccoli casserole), they were just beginning to catch on. Mrs. Ernest Buck uses instant mashed potatoes to mold canned tuna for her, no doubt delicious, “Tuna Drumsticks,” and Mrs. Elgin Burr explores the limits of dried beef jerky in her imaginatively titled, and no doubt Biblically themed, (please, God), appetizer, “Burning Bush.” Cream cheese shaped into small balls, rolled in dried chopped beef, and affixed with toothpicks to a grapefruit. Beautiful idea for a buffet centerpiece, and edible too!

Churchy themed foodstuffs have always been popular. Southern Manna, from the First United Methodist Church of Waycross, Georgia (c.2001 - 5 squash, 2 broccoli casseroles), offers Mrs. Ida Rodocker’s “Born Again Pickles.” Probably be really good with the previously noted “Methodist Chili,” but since you start out with a perfectly good jar of ‘store-bought’ dill pickles (which you ‘resurrect’ with cloves, vinegar, some spices and 3 cups of sugar), I don’t really see the point. (Oh, wait a minute, three cups of sugar. Sure I do.) Spreading the love to both God and country, the same book also features a black-eyed pea relish popularly known as “Confederate Caviar,” and a snack mix called “White Trash,” (also an Ida Rodocker specialty), just so we all know where we stand.

Snack Mixes are real crowd pleasers when the church ladies get together for Bible Study or just to dish on the new pastor’s cheeky little wife who you’re going to have to be nice to whether you like her or not. Serve up some of Stacy McCoy’s “Rice Chex Puppy Chow,” (make plenty so there’s some left over for the kids), from Bread of Life, A Collection of Recipes from Salem Baptist Church (2003, Milledgeville, GA – 4 squash, 6 broccoli casseroles), and if you really want to go whole hog whip up a “Pig Licking Cake” or “Oreo Trifle” for dessert. Those of adventurous palate might enjoy a side dish of Candi Badcock’s, “Table, Table, Tee, Tee,” (canned asparagus marinated in bottled salad dressing, sugar and sesame oil), and of course you want to have plenty of Yellow Punch I (straight up) or II (with Mountain Dew) on hand to sip. Really, we don’t want to over-think this.

But the real Queen of Church Lady Cookbooks may well be the New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary’s Baptist Dishes Worth Blessing (4th Printing, 1987 - 3 squash, 2 broccoli casseroles), if only for the photo of the quintessential Baptist church lady on the cover. Table’s set with the best company china, silver goblets, you just know she’s fantasizing about what she’d serve Jesus if he were to come to dinner. I’m thinking “Amiable Chicken Curry,” (It just wouldn’t do to serve the Savior pissed off poultry, would it?), with Mrs. Bobby Neese’s “Mayonnaise Quick Bread,” Glennis Williams’ “Squash Balls,” and Ivy O’Hara’s “7-Up Cake” for dessert. And of course for starters she’d serve that most southern of nibbles, cheddar cheese straws. I’ve tried them, and they are so seriously good I swear you’ll never eat Cheetos again.



Cheese Straws
(Compliments of Mrs. Claude Howe
Baptist Dishes Worth Blessing)

1 pound grated sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 cup unsalted butter (1 stick)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon red cayenne pepper
2 cups all-purpose flour

Place grated cheese and butter in large mixing bowl and allow to soften to room temperature. Cream by hand or with mixer. Sift together flour, salt and cayenne pepper. Gradually add dry ingredients to the butter and cheese. Mix thoroughly.

Turn dough onto a lightly floured surface and knead five or six times. Roll dough out to 1/4 inch thickness and cut into strips, about 1/2 inch wide and four or five inches long.

Place strips on ungreased cookie sheet and bake in preheated 400 degree oven for 10 to 15 minutes, until straws begin to brown around edges. Cool completely. Makes about 12 dozen.