Oenophilia and Pimento Cheese

"Rolling down the street, smoking indo, sippin' on gin and juice"
Gin And Juice - The Gourds

We celebrated our 13th anniversary last week with a trip to wine country. Drove up to the Napa Valley by way of Paso Robles, and took a side trip to the Alexander and Dry Creek Valleys, over in Sonoma, while we were there. It was harvest time and the grapes were heavy on the vine, as were the CHP on the highway.

Did you ever really stop to think about the absolute idiocy of wine touring? You get into your car and cruise winding two lane blacktops for the better part of a day, stopping to sip a bit of the grape here, there, everywhere. Everyone on the road is at least as tipsy as you are. Many of them are, in fact, greatly inebriated, some of them are talking on cell phones as they drive, and quite a few of them aren’t even competent behind the wheel stone sober. Of course the designated driver idea is a good one, but most of the time on the wine trail, let's face it, that’s all it is. Wine limos? We tried that once, and they’re great if you don’t mind a total stranger throwing up on your shoes.

In the interest of semi-sobriety, we share tastings, (unless it’s free), so by the end of the day, (our record is 8 wineries per, although this trip our best was 7), we’re only slightly snookered rather than drooling drunk. Still, it does give one pause when you exit the tasting room and spy the black and white lurking behind some bushes just down the road. I mean it's not like they don't know you've been drinking. (Whatever you do don’t look drunk. Deep breath. Stand up straight. Sit up straight. Pull out straight. Slowly, slowly. But not too slowly. Oops, did I signal? Did I need to signal? Is he coming? Lights on or off? Whew. What you want to try next, reds or whites?) I’m serious, stop any car after 4 PM and it’s a DUI for sure. I really don’t understand why everybody doesn’t get busted. Best I can figure the boys in blue have an “understanding” with the vintners, which is something you really don’t want to think about too much.

And how about those folks who take their kids wine tasting with them? They’re my favorite (aside from the limo barfers). Loading up the younguns’ in the SUV and going drinking doesn’t exactly sound like my idea of responsible parenting, unless one of them is between 16 and 21 and has a driver’s license. (Quite frankly I once fantasized about using the stepson as a designated driver, but that was before he was arrested for underage drinking in Burbank City Park.)

So why do we do it? We live in California. We love wine. The countryside is beautiful. It’s cheaper than a trip to Europe. Wine is less fattening than barbecue. Marijuana is illegal. (Try to imagine for a moment an alternative universe with tasting trips to barbecue country and cannabis country. Scary, huh?) And that’s just for starters. It’s a lot of fun. You should try it. And if you do, for your reference, here are a few of our “hits” and “misses,” (a 5 goblet rating being best), and a dynamite recipe for pimento cheese sandwiches.

LAETITIA WINERY: If you head straight up the 101, just outside of Arroyo Grande you’ll see a sharp right hand turn up to Laetitia, the first winery of any note since Buellton (home of Anderson’s Split Pea Soup). If you’re coming from LA, you’ve been on the road for about four hours, and you’re ready for a drink. Nice hilltop property with a killer view of the interstate, mellow calico cat. Their non-vintage bubbly is excellent and affordable, and you can almost always find a bargain. This trip we scored a tasty $10 Pinot Blanc and an almost awesome cheapo Merlot. RATING: 3 goblets and 1 champagne flute

DOMAINE ALFRED: On Orcutt Road near San Luis Obispo. A little hard to find but worth it. We get lost coming or going every time, but keep coming back for the Califa Chardonnay, a real, rich California Chard that’ll set you back about $35. They have an excellent Pinot Noir too. But be warned, we think they might be Republicans. RATING: 4 goblets (break 1 if they do indeed turn out to be Bushies)

GREY WOLF CELLARS: In Paso Robles, about 2 miles off the 101 on Highway 46 West. Mom and Pop family operation. They like dogs, big, slobbering, friendly dogs. The Golden is a crotch sniffer. They almost always have a great well priced Syrah, and their wolf’s paw logo is pretty cool too. Left with an ’05 Predator Syrah. Will let it age until at least '10. Sure we will. RATING: 3 1/2 goblets (would’ve been 4 but for the dog)

CHATEAU POTELLE: The only must stop on our trip. High on Mt. Veeder, midway between the Napa and Sonoma Valleys. We discovered this little jewel when we met the wine maker in a hot tub at the Paso Robles Inn a few years back. (So California, I blush.) High-end boutique wines in the French style. We like everything. You can't go wrong with their VGS (stands for Very Good Shit) wines and we highly recommend the Cougar Pass blend for a moderately priced, smooth drinking red . Great place to picnic. The yellow jackets think so too. They really liked my pimento cheese. Also the tender flesh between my right ring finger and pinky. Ouch. FIRST AID TIP: The VERY best home remedy for a bee/wasp sting is TOOTHPASTE. Put it on the sting immediately and allow it to dry. Reapply if necessary. Magic. Luckily we hadn’t checked into out hotel yet and I had some in the car. Still hurt like a bitch. Adding insult to injury, I find out that yellow jackets, unlike bees, don’t die after they sting you, but rather go on to sting again. Kinda sucks, doesn’t it? RATING: 5 goblets, 1 tube Colgate Total Plus

WHITEHALL LANE WINERY: New find on the main drag through the Napa Valley, Highway 29, in St. Helena (a gag me precious little town if ever there was one). They’ve forsaken that pesky cork for screw caps (whites) and glass stoppers (red), and this just may be the place that finally wins over the cork snobs. We were impressed. Bought something red, just to try out that glass stopper. Tasting fee applied to purchase, nice touch. RATING: 4 goblets

STERLING VINEYARDS: Napa, just outside Calistoga. Once owned by the Coco-Cola Company and now the property of world's largest beer, wine and spirits consortium, the same folks who used to own Burger King, (go figure). Accessible only by sky tram. Arguably the best location in the valley. Breathtaking view. Very decent, but undistinguished, wines, many of which you can buy off the shelf at Pavilions. However, at $20 a ticket each, I think we’d have rather used the money for another bottle of Merryvale Cabernet. (If you must do one of the big boys, we recommend Beringer Winery in St. Helena. Great reserve tasting, beautiful property, makes you realize big isn't necessarily bad.) Sterling Vineyards RATING: 2 goblets

STAG’S LEAP WINE CELLARS: Napa, on the Silverado Trail. A $30 tasting fee for wines I can buy at World Market, (albeit in the locked case), and no food pairings with that? I don’t think so. We went for the $15 non-reserve tasting. The wines were standard issue Napa and uniformly good, but we were already in a bad mood. Stuffy and unnecessarily pretentious. We’ll probably skip it next time. If you want to pay a premium for a reserve tasting go to Duckhorn Vineyards, also in Napa, or J Winery, over in Sonoma in the Russian River Valley. Pricey but you won’t feel ripped off. RATING: 1 cracked goblet and a stale water cracker

BALLENTINE VINEYARDS: This one was a trip. Little Mom and Pop shop, Betty and Van, probably pushing 80, cute as a couple of brass buttons, photos all over the place of them cooing over grapes and tractors and each other. It was the end of the day. The tasting room pourer had apparently left without telling the rest of the staff. We were greeted, eventually, by a gregarious young hippie-dippy dude who drifted out from the cellar, (a recent graduate of sommelier school weighing his career options between Napa and Humboldt), who poured generously and waived the tasting fee. The wines were surprisingly good, and inexpensive. When we left the young man tucked an extra bottle of ’01 Zinfandel into our bag. Yes! RATING: 3 goblets and a bong

SAUSAL WINERY: Pretty little family winery on Highway 128, just outside of Healdsburg in the Alexander Valley. Met a local lounge lizard who gave us a couple of his CDs. (He turns out to be a very good guitarist.) Suspecting that if we didn't buy any wine the two adorable, in-your-face black cats, Sophie and Gypsy, were likely programmed to claw our eyes out, we ransomed our vision with two bottles of ‘05 Fat Cat Petite Sirah, a steal at $10 each, and a very nice reserve Zinfandel. RATING: 3 goblets and two catnip mice


EVERETT RIDGE WINERY: West Dry Creek Road. Nice, friendly little place, consistently good moderately priced wines, no tasting fee. Plenty reasons enough for the trip over there. Pourer’s daughter won “Big Brother, Season 6,” so the hubby being employed by CBS got us cachet and a couple of off list tastings. Capped the day with a bottle of their swell '04 reserve Syrah. RATING: 4 goblets

PASSALACQUA WINERY: Dry Creek Valley, just across the one lane bridge (think about crossing it with a bunch of drunks) on Lambert Bridge Road. Particularly nice whites. Best picnic area in the valley. Unfortunately the yellow jackets found us there too. I guess, there’s something about the smell of fermenting grapes and my pimento cheese sandwiches. RATING: 3 goblets and a can of Raid with DDT

The best thing about wine country, other than the wine, is the opportunity to picnic in some of the prettiest spots in California. And, for us southerners, it isn’t a picnic without pimento cheese sandwiches. There are as many pimento cheese recipes as there are southern cooks. My mother used to mix hers up by putting it through a big iron meat grinder that clamped on the end of the kitchen table, but that was before God gave us the Cuisinart. Hers was really good. I think mine is better.

DYNAMITE PIMENTO CHEESE SANDWICHES

2 cups shredded extra sharp cheddar cheese
2 cups shredded sharp white cheddar cheese
1/2 cup roasted pimento peppers (canned is fine)
1 cup mayonnaise
1/4 teaspoon red pepper (scant)
1/2 teaspoon sugar
Dash of salt to taste
White sandwich bread

Shred cheeses using shredder disc of food processor.

Put cheeses in bowl of food processor with blade attachment and process until pulverized. Add pimento a bit at a time, processing until well mixed.

Add mayonnaise, process until smooth.

Add red pepper, sugar and salt, process until well mixed.

Transfer to lidded container and refrigerate.

May be used immediately, but is best when flavors are allowed to blend for at least 24 hours.

For sandwiches, stick with tradition. Use plain white loaf bread. Trim the crusts and cut in half on the diagonal. Delicious with lemonade or a bottle of chilled Alma Rosa Rose. (Also very good spread on slices of apple, but you didn’t hear it from me.)

Cooking With Jesus

“Midnight at the Waffle House,
Jesus eatin’ eggs with y'all…”
“If Jesus Drove A Motor Home” – Jim White

I’m a fool for cookbooks. I read them like some people read novels, except they don’t even have to be particularly good to hold my interest. In fact some of my favorite cookbook reads don’t contain a single recipe I’d ever make, but all the same provide untold entertainment value.

I’m particularly fond of regional, community cookbooks, (favoring the southeastern United States), and the sub-genre I call church lady cookbooks, published by a church or religious organization for fund raising, with recipes contributed by the members.

Over the years I’ve more or less worked out an informal rating system for including them in my collection. The gold standard: there must be at least one recipe each for squash casserole and broccoli casserole, one of which must contain either Cheez Whiz, Velveeta, (two processed ‘cheese foods’ greatly regarded in the south), cream of mushroom soup or mayonnaise. (The last two comprise two of the Holy Trinity of church lady cooking, the third being Cool Whip.) Ideally, the cookbook should also contain at least one reference to margarine as “oleo,” feature several recipes using regionally popular name brands, and use Cool Whip and Jello together in a single recipe somewhere, preferably in desserts, (for what I hope are obvious reasons). Bonus points are given for the inclusion of such church lady staples as Tater Tot Casserole, Ritz Cracker Pie, Strawberry Pretzel Salad, and the ubiquitous Red Velvet Cake.

Then there are those things that can elevate a church lady cookbook from ho-hum to, dare I say it, heavenly. Take Scripture Cake, (sometimes called Bible Cake), where one is supposed to divine the ingredients by scripture as in, “1 cup Judges 5:25.” That would be butter, but I didn’t look it up, rather a former owner of Favorite Recipes, compiled by the members of the Women’s Society of Christian Service of White’s United Methodist Church, (1977, Lynchburg, Virginia - 2 squash casseroles, 0 broccoli casseroles), did and thoughtfully made notations. She also pronounced the “Fruit Cocktail Cake” as “Good!” although I’ll probably never know for sure.

In fact, Favorite Recipes, might not have made the bookshelf at all, having no recipe for broccoli casserole, had it not been so. Although, it would’ve been hard to pass up Mrs. Flora Bryant’s one ingredient recipe for “Fried Squirrel -- 1 squirrel, dressed." Flora goes on to say her frying method can also be applied to rabbit or “other small game meats.” I don’t want to speculate. Also, the book contains color photos of food, never a good idea unless you’re using glossy paper stock or have a grudge against the cook, and offers up a plethora of prune favorites – “Prune Bread,” “Prune Turnovers,” “Prunella Cake,” and, my personal pick, “Prune Pancakes.” Again, I don’t want to speculate.

I would, however, like to speculate as to what happens if I don’t like Alania Rakestraw’s “You Better Like It French Toast,” from the From Our Oven To Yours cookbook, published by the Burnt Hickory United Methodist Church of Dallas, Georgia (1 squash casserole, 3 broccoli casseroles). Will I be force fed “Mrs. Tooler Doolen’s Chicken Stuff,” and “Betty’s Popcorn Cake” (a sickly sounding concoction made with popcorn, marshmallows, peanuts, gumdrops, M & M candies, and, yes, oleo), and made to wash it down with a “Nancy’s Muscadine Mimosa,” (non-alcoholic, of course)?

And why are these women so ready to brand such noxious sounding potions with their names? I, frankly, would prefer the anonymity of a nickname. I’m almost ready to try “Jug’s Homemade Chili” on name value alone. It comes from Treasures from Heaven, a Collection of Recipes from Hopewell United Methodist Church (2001, Milledgeville, Georgia - 6 squash, 4 broccoli casseroles). The high squash/broccoli casserole count alone would put this cookbook in the upper crust, even it if weren’t for such gems as “Gaga’s Cranberry Salad,” “Ma Ma’s Meat Loaf,” and “Pastor Dan’s Taco Pizza.” And if you don’t like “Jug’s Homemade Chili,” you can opt for “Landon Carey’s Methodist Chili,” an unsurprisingly bland recipe, which concludes with instructions to “serve with saltines, dill pickles and cold drink.” Wow, I would’ve never thought to pair a dill pickle with chili.

Nor would I have thought to combine the aforementioned cheese food with chocolate. The prize for originality really should go to Mrs. Shelby Selvey, who shares her recipe for “Velveeta Cheese Fudge” in Variety Pack, Favorite Recipes from Dresden Pentecostal Church (1998, Dresden, Tennessee – 3 squash, 6 broccoli casseroles). Truly a dish to savor, it’d probably be really good after polishing off a batch of “Mom’s Magic Puffs,” proffered by Mickie Jennings, who also contributed a sumptuous sounding recipe for “Twinkie Cake,” Twinkies, crushed pineapple, instant pudding and Cool Whip, layered and garnished with nuts and cherries. Yum.

While the necessities of modern living have made convenience foods, like cake mix, instant puddings, Cool Whip, etc. the backbone of today’s church lady recipe repertoire, back in 1958 when the Christian Women’s Fellowship of Central Christian Church in Austin, Texas published Kitchen Witchery (1 squash, 1 broccoli casserole), they were just beginning to catch on. Mrs. Ernest Buck uses instant mashed potatoes to mold canned tuna for her, no doubt delicious, “Tuna Drumsticks,” and Mrs. Elgin Burr explores the limits of dried beef jerky in her imaginatively titled, and no doubt Biblically themed, (please, God), appetizer, “Burning Bush.” Cream cheese shaped into small balls, rolled in dried chopped beef, and affixed with toothpicks to a grapefruit. Beautiful idea for a buffet centerpiece, and edible too!

Churchy themed foodstuffs have always been popular. Southern Manna, from the First United Methodist Church of Waycross, Georgia (c.2001 - 5 squash, 2 broccoli casseroles), offers Mrs. Ida Rodocker’s “Born Again Pickles.” Probably be really good with the previously noted “Methodist Chili,” but since you start out with a perfectly good jar of ‘store-bought’ dill pickles (which you ‘resurrect’ with cloves, vinegar, some spices and 3 cups of sugar), I don’t really see the point. (Oh, wait a minute, three cups of sugar. Sure I do.) Spreading the love to both God and country, the same book also features a black-eyed pea relish popularly known as “Confederate Caviar,” and a snack mix called “White Trash,” (also an Ida Rodocker specialty), just so we all know where we stand.

Snack Mixes are real crowd pleasers when the church ladies get together for Bible Study or just to dish on the new pastor’s cheeky little wife who you’re going to have to be nice to whether you like her or not. Serve up some of Stacy McCoy’s “Rice Chex Puppy Chow,” (make plenty so there’s some left over for the kids), from Bread of Life, A Collection of Recipes from Salem Baptist Church (2003, Milledgeville, GA – 4 squash, 6 broccoli casseroles), and if you really want to go whole hog whip up a “Pig Licking Cake” or “Oreo Trifle” for dessert. Those of adventurous palate might enjoy a side dish of Candi Badcock’s, “Table, Table, Tee, Tee,” (canned asparagus marinated in bottled salad dressing, sugar and sesame oil), and of course you want to have plenty of Yellow Punch I (straight up) or II (with Mountain Dew) on hand to sip. Really, we don’t want to over-think this.

But the real Queen of Church Lady Cookbooks may well be the New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary’s Baptist Dishes Worth Blessing (4th Printing, 1987 - 3 squash, 2 broccoli casseroles), if only for the photo of the quintessential Baptist church lady on the cover. Table’s set with the best company china, silver goblets, you just know she’s fantasizing about what she’d serve Jesus if he were to come to dinner. I’m thinking “Amiable Chicken Curry,” (It just wouldn’t do to serve the Savior pissed off poultry, would it?), with Mrs. Bobby Neese’s “Mayonnaise Quick Bread,” Glennis Williams’ “Squash Balls,” and Ivy O’Hara’s “7-Up Cake” for dessert. And of course for starters she’d serve that most southern of nibbles, cheddar cheese straws. I’ve tried them, and they are so seriously good I swear you’ll never eat Cheetos again.



Cheese Straws
(Compliments of Mrs. Claude Howe
Baptist Dishes Worth Blessing)

1 pound grated sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 cup unsalted butter (1 stick)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon red cayenne pepper
2 cups all-purpose flour

Place grated cheese and butter in large mixing bowl and allow to soften to room temperature. Cream by hand or with mixer. Sift together flour, salt and cayenne pepper. Gradually add dry ingredients to the butter and cheese. Mix thoroughly.

Turn dough onto a lightly floured surface and knead five or six times. Roll dough out to 1/4 inch thickness and cut into strips, about 1/2 inch wide and four or five inches long.

Place strips on ungreased cookie sheet and bake in preheated 400 degree oven for 10 to 15 minutes, until straws begin to brown around edges. Cool completely. Makes about 12 dozen.