Where Every Day Is Halloween

"If you hear him howling around your kitchen door
Better not let him in
Little old lady got mutilated late last night
Werewolves of London again"

Werewolves of London – Warren Zevon

I saw this banner one day last week as I was passing through North Hollywood on my way to Macy’s to buy a pair of boots, and was so taken with it that I had to go back home and get my camera. It was so worth it. This just may be the scariest photo I’ve ever taken. Really, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, but either way, I think it’s safe to assume that this is one of those places, God help us, where every day is Halloween.

Now I could make this posting about the horrors of getting old in a society that routinely neglects and warehouses it’s most vulnerable and venerable citizens, (your warehouse being more or less horrible, depending on how much you, or your relatives, can afford to pay), but that would be too easy. Rather I’d like to give you a tour of some of the scariest places on the web, places where every day really is Halloween. And, believe me, there are many things way scarier than ghosts and goblins and witches and things that go bump, bump, bump in the night.


For starters, let’s consider body modification. No, I’m not talking about getting a crimson dragon tattoo on your fanny or simply piercing your nipples or you penis, (although that’s gotta smart), I’m talking about the stuff you’ll find at www.russfoxx.com. Russ’ specialty is body suspension, which gives new meaning to the expression “hanging on tenterhooks.” True, hanging around suspended from meat hooks embedded in your flesh is nothing new. Certain plains tribes of American Indians did it and called it the Sun Dance. They said it brought them closer to God. These guys apparently do it just for fun.

If sticking skewers into your skin and dangling from the living room ceiling is a little too radical for you, you might want to consider subdermal implants (think horn buds on top of your head), having your tongue split (just what you’d imagine) or the newest craze with the terminally enchanted, ear sculpting, and not the kind that corrects the dreaded jug ears either, but rather the elfin kind. (The better to hear you with, my dear, so they claim.) Satisfied client Kimberleigh Roseblade enthuses, “I’ve turned myself into an elf and I couldn’t be happier.” And should her interests change, she’ll fit right in at the next Star Trek convention too.

Some who aspire to the elfin lifestyle but aren’t quite ready to surgically alter their appearance, might consider the less drastic approach adopted by Randy Constan. After a lifetime of dressing himself in Peter Pan drag, Randy has finally met his soul mate Dorothy, a woman willing to live the rest of her life as an incarnation of Tinkerbell. (I would’ve guessed Nana, the dog, as a more appropriate alternate, but that’s just me.) I’m sure you join me in wishing them a joyous and, dare I suggest, fruitful, union, and a happy Halloween forever.

And speaking of drag, my favorite online drag queen, Kathryn DuBois, continues to delight me with her ever tasteful ensembles and invaluable advice on shopping for wigs, over-the-counter depilatories and plus size fashions and lingerie. An inspiration to cross dressers and big girls every where, here’s to you, Kathryn, and may every day continue to be Halloween.

Even real girls enjoy playing dress up, but only a few will go to the lengths of the aptly tagged “Spook.” What this woman does to her body truly is spooky. I don’t know about you, but I lost my fascination for squeezing my guts into a bound casing way back with the panty girdle, and while these days I may venture so far as to wear Spanx for a special occasion, (like when I’ve overeaten for a month and my favorite black slacks won’t zip), I never imagined there were women who actually relished being the middle link in a string of lady sausage. Spook is heavy into corset training, and from the looks of things, she has plenty of tight-laced company. I lead such a sheltered life.

And just because some fundamentalist Christians give Halloween a bad rap, don’t think they don’t like to wear costumes too, (just think about that living nativity scene, coming to a First Baptist near you this December), especially if it figures in with comforting and indoctrinating the kiddies. Do you remember being scared of the dark? Not wanting to go to sleep because of the monster under the bed? I myself was convinced a witch lived behind the hot water heater in the hall I had to pass through to get to the bathroom at night. We’ve all had our personal demons. Would that our mothers had only known about “Armor of God Pajamas.” What a blessing, for Halloween or any ween really. Slip ‘em on and sleep securely, wrapped in the armor of the Holy Ghost himself. Oops, bad choice of words, but you get the idea.

Let me tell you, these people don’t need Halloween. They’ve got something much, much scarier, and I don’t mean hell, (although that figures into it in a big way). I’m talking Armageddon here, the End Times, the Apocalypse, the Four Horsemen, and all that. Are you ready for the Rapture? One way to know for sure is to check out raptureready.com, where you’ll learn all about the demonic doings of the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission, “Satan’s Little Helpers,” (that would be the liberal media), and, of course, the beast himself, the big guy, Mr. 666, the Antichrist. And although they’re not sure who the Antichrist is, they have some interesting candidates for your consideration; William Jefferson Clinton, (of course), Bill Gates, (yes, that Bill Gates), ABC News reporter Sam Donaldson (a bit of a wild card, but could be), and, new and a comer, former French President Jacques Chirac. Don’t see anybody you like for the job? You can nominate your own Antichrist! I’m going with some of the conspicuously absent, say George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz, Condi Rice, (if Hillary can be president, a female Antichrist is a possibility that can’t be ignored), maybe Ann Coulter, or my new favorite right wing witch, Michelle Malkin. And if you prefer your Armageddon stripped of religious dogma, check out armageddononline.org, no God, no Jesus, no proselytizing, just the straight dope on how the earth is, well, going to hell in a hand basket, and soon, very soon.

But you gotta love Michelle Malkin. Straight from the gates of Fox TV to the blogasphere, she spews hatred, war mongering, sophistry, half-truths, and outright lies with the best of the old boys. And there are lots of them out there. Want to scare yourself silly? Type “pro war blog” or something similar into your search engine and fasten your seatbelt. Too vile and too numerous to single out for the most part, I do want to afford a special mention to bamapachyderm.com, (Alabama elephant, get it?), if only because he is, no doubt, a homeboy and fellow UA graduate. Bamapachyderm thinks Al Gore made up global warming, spouts dominion theology and supports Fred Thompson for President. Very scary stuff.

By now I’ve frightened myself right over to www.glamguns.com (Guns for Girls). Gonna get me a “Hello Kitty” AK47, hunker down in the duplex, eat some chocolate. It’s a scary would out there, especially in those places where every day is Halloween.

QUICK ROCKY ROAD FUDGE
(Just the thing to munch while waiting for the Rapture)

16 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped (A high quality chocolate is better)
2 ounces unsweetened chocolate, chopped
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 (14 ounce) can condensed milk
1 tablespoon vanilla
1 cup mini-marshmallows
1 cup salted peanuts, chopped
1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Line and 8-inch-square baking pan with aluminum foil, allowing enough to come up the sides of the pan and fold over the edges. Spray with nonstick cooking spray.

Mix chopped chocolates, baking soda and salt in the top of a double boiler. Add condensed milk and vanilla. Set over bottom part of double boiler containing 2 cups simmering (not boiling) water. (Or you could use the microwave, but you didn't hear it from me.) Stir with a rubber spatula until chocolate is almost, but not completely melted. Remove from heat and continue stirring until chocolate is fully melted.

Stir in marshmallows, chopped peanuts and chocolate chips. Pour fudge into prepared pan. Refrigerate for about two hours, or until set. Remove fudge from pan, lifting with foil, and cut into squares.

Scary Good!!